Drunken Ramblings: Patriots put in a body bag by the Dolphins

I don't care about the loss. Honestly, I don't. Watching that game was like pulling teeth, no doubt. And now we can't rest anyone down the stretch. Sucks for sure. But beating Pitt was all that mattered for the one seed and it still is. So who cares? I fucking care. In case you didn't hear, Carson Wentz is dead and buried. Russ threw three picks and lost to the fucking Jags. The MVP is sitting there on a silver fucking platter. I can't say this loud enough. The only thing that mattered AT ALL from last night was locking up MVP. That's it. And Tom could have taken three knees and punted all game and that would have put a bow on it. I'm not even kidding. 

But instead, he threw TWO FUCKING PICKS. ARE YOU SHITTING ME??!?!? Tom has six picks on the year and I legit want to die. My mother could play 13 games and not have 6 picks. I don't know how Tom gets out of bed this morning. 6 picks is humiliating. And the worst part is he has FIVE against the AFC East. Like what are you even doing Tommy??? These teams are horrible. Stop throwing them the ball. This isn't difficult. I don't know what to think any more. Is this even the end of it?? For the first time in my life nothing is certain. I feel like he could throw another one this season. Imagine if he got up to 8 or 9. Just imagine that for a second. What if he threw 10?! I would never watch another second of Patriots football. Holy shit Tom. 6. STUNNING. Take care of the fucking ball. 

And I just don't get the Miami thing. I was actually pumped it was a night game. I thought that was a sneaky huge advantage for us. The temp was 54 degrees at kick off. Usually we go down there in December and its a 1pm game and its a billion degrees and we suck wind all day. But no. It was 54. Dare I say advantage Pats players?? I knew the weather wouldn't be a factor and we would hang a hundo on these chumps. But instead Tommy comes out on the first series and goes panic screen throw into the dirt, and then the worst interception he's thrown all year. He threw the ball terribly all night. Missing easy throws when guys were open. Even the ones he did complete weren't in stride which killed any YAC. Hey Tom. Calm down. It's the Dolphins. There is no excuse for this ever again. Six god damn picks. I can't even believe I'm typing this. It's like Tom's trying to hand Russ MVP because he accidentally destroyed the Seahawks three years ago. If we don't win MVP this year it will be one thousand percent because of this game and I'm going to be on suicide watch. 

How about the coaching in this game? Everyone was saying how unique it is to play a team again so soon. You can't trot out the same game plan. And I would argue it's harder for the team that won the first time. The losing team was going to change anyway. But I got news for you. We didn't have Gronk so we had to change anyway. I'm not even thaaaat mad at the defensive calls. Opposing teams waltz to our 30. That much is a given. But for most of the game we tightened up in the red area per usual, and we were doing it with backups. (more on this later) But if someone could please tell me what in the actual fuck Josh McDaniels was smoking last night I'd really appreciate it because I want some. 

There was zero running. 10 attempts vs 43 passing attempts. After we absolutely dummied the Fins on the ground last time. DIDI has been fire lately. I'm pretty sure he didn't touch the ball until the second quarter. There was no 4 WR sets. If I had a nickel for how often I've heard "the Pats can't run their 4 WR set until Hogan is back" I'd have like a buck fifty. Now he's back and Flip Dorset doesn't see a snap. And we weren't even targeting the WRs. Thought we could beat this team by only throwing to our running backs. 

Remember that drive to end the first half? We were cruising to our trademarked horseshoe. About to grab a tuddy half tuddy before the Fins even got the ball back. Would have ended the game. We're in FG range, on maybe the Dolphin 25, and we've got 3rd and 4. Josh calls the ol' jet sweep to James White. Excuse me??? If it's Cookie, fine. I think he beats those guys to the sideline. But James White is OBVIOUSLY getting run down, which he was, and we settled for 3. 

Everyone is bitching about the play calling when we got to the one inch line, and rightfully so, that was pathetic, but I was mad before that. Here's an idea. KICK THE FUCKING FIELD GOAL. Frankly I thought we should have kicked it right after the roughing the passer penalty. We were in comfortable range, you need two scores anyway, and there was legit about 1:45 left. You get the onside kick and you've got all the time in the world to get your tuddy. 

But if you argue we were close enough, you gotta take your shot, fine. Obviously you look smart when we hit Dola down to the 1. But as soon as we take the illegal motion just kick it. Again, hindsight makes this look worse since we couldn't get in, but not kicking that FG until there was 50 seconds left is psycho shit. 

And since when did we become such pussies? The 4th and 4 and the 4th and 10 from our own side were some of the most coward calls I have ever seen from our sideline. I understand that playing the field position game was one onside kick away from getting us back level, but those were the moments. We needed points there and you have to go for it. It's like we didn't care. 

I don't want to be the millionth person to make fun of the onside kick but holy shit that looked bad. I actually support the slow roller down the middle. I  think it's one of the most effective plays in that moment, but only when you top it. Let the football bounce like a football. That was a grounder every short stop dreams of. And I can't wait to find out that we've lost Chung for the season while he tried to jump on that dumpster fire attempt. What a fucking play. 

Hey Bradin Cooks. Explain yourself immediately. God I'm so low on this guy. I can't believe people are saying he's having a good season. Even on this site! Look at his numbers. He's on pace for 66 catches. PUKE. We gave up a one for that?? I thought I was buying this route running wizard, he can do it all. You know what we got? A fast guy. He's Flip Dorset but a little better. The dude VANISHES on third down. Every gotta have it play he can't get open. He's hit some home runs and that's been great. But I thought that was a small part of his arsenal. Nope. If that gets taken away he's a ghost. He caught one ball yesterday for 38 yards and I legit wish he hadn't. I just wanted him to know he put up a goose egg and against the Fins like an asshole. We traded for two fast WR this year and both of them stink. Hopefully DinDin spends all off season learning to play football and maybe next year he will help the squad. And as we've all heard we brought in Kenny Britt, which is a nightmare because he's awful. He won't learn the playbook. He's a locker room cancer. We're in full panic mode. Hoags is clearly not healthy. We're waiving the white flag on the Dorset trade which has been a stage 10 disaster. And Cooks isn't the guy we thought he was. Thank fucking GOD we didn't give up Malcolm Butler in that trade as well. Cause right now I want my pick back. 

One more thing on the Britt signing. Money Mitch is dead right? And if so, FUCK YOU. How in the hell can you be questionable for week 1 up until kick off and then miss the whole season??? What did your rehab consist of? Leaning against low railings and bending your leg awkwardly over them? Jesus Christ. It's been 4 months. Get on the field. I can't believe we have 2 IR spots to use and we burned one on Shea and we saved the other for Money and he never came back. If he's dead, fine. He's dead. Active VV or something. But stop with this bullshit or give me an update. I would be happy to wait for Money if I was promised he would be ready for the yoffs, but if thats the case then he better be fucking ready. 

Speaking of VV's potential value, (and I haven't heard any updates on if he is even close or in the running) we lost Alan Branch to an injury in the second quarter. Did not return. Lovely. It forced Brown, Guy, and Butler into much bigger roles. I'm so mad at Alan Branch. No joke he is the size of those three other guys combined. Imagine if he gave a shit. If he just put forth a little bit of effort when the other team snapped the ball. Brown and a trying Branch is formidable. But right now he's a rotation loser with other things on his mind and I can't believe we ever paid this fat ass. 

With what felt like our entire front 7 on the shelf and special teams cast offs playing it was so nice to have the veteran presence and leadership of David Harris out there. Wait. What? He was inactive? WHY? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Reiss didn't say he was hurt. So he's just a healthy scratch. We're taking steps backwards now?? He's been getting regular reps since High went down. He didn't put anything on film, for my eyes at least, that said hes so bad he shouldn't be active. So someone tell me what happened. Because Eric Lee turned into a pumpkin real fucking fast. That dude STINKS. He sets the edge worse than Marsh, which I thought was literally impossible. But Smokin' Jay Cutler broke contain so many times I lost count after the 80th bootleg. I always wonder how these dudes were special teams practice dummies on other rosters when they perform for us. Then I realize there's one problem, they aren't any good! Eric Lee played every snap!! Is that a joke? I pray to god that Wise was more hurt than we let on, because otherwise his 16 snaps to Lee's 73 is not something I'm prepared to tolerate. 

You know who else got 16 snaps? One of the worst Patriots draft picks of all time. Yup, that would be Jordan Richards. Is he fucking kidding me with that whiffed sack?? Read the blog shit head, those are called 4 point plays. And you cost us every single one of them. Smokin Jay was a sitting duck. Richards comes flying into the backfield like a chicken with his dick cut off (am I saying that right) and goes right over the top of him. Unacceptable soldier. I can't believe he was ever let back on the field. I would have cut him on the spot and I truly hope he never steps foot on the turf again unless it's 4th down and someone is kicking. We took MY BOY Trey Flowers 50 picks AFTER Richards in that draft. Baaaaaaaaaahahahah wrap your brain around that one. Can't wait til he's off the team. 

I thought the secondary played pretty well all things considered. Couple huge tackles by Dev. Even the tuddy over Malcolm only happened because he's a midget, not because it was bad defense. So I hesitate to even bring this up. Especially since it was probably the fault of shitty line backers and I don't know enough about schemes to tell. BUT, how many times can Parker run a shallow cross in front of Gilmore before we do something about it? First of all, I don't know how that route creates 10 yards of separation every single time, and second of all, maybe make an adjustment?? That was there all day and Gilmore would just causally run after him like 'aw shucks I hope someone else can tackle him.' 

DIDI was literally the only good thing in that game. 5 for 50 in the air, including that sexy throw and catch up the right sideline on the wheel (possibly Tom's only good throw all game) and 5 for 17 on the ground. Nothing crazy, but he passed the eye test. He was making people miss. The only possible explanation for his lack of usage was that he was sick. Maybe he was on a snap limit? I don't know. I will give him a little shit for continuing to run kicks out of the end zone to our 18. That wasn't exactly helpful when mounting a comeback. 

OK, it's over. Done. Forget about it. I knew it was a trap game. I said it. Not that we were looking ahead, but for all the other reasons I listed on Friday. And again, we didn't need it. It was all coming down to this Sunday anyway. I don't think we are broken. I think we played like dog shit. Wake up against Pitt. I fully believe we will crush them, by the way, and we are back in the driver's seat. That's what sucks about rooting for the Pats. Every loss is so annoying because February is so far away. We all know we're going to the bowl, so having to take 2 or 3 lumps along the way is just a pain in the ass. Whatever, wake me up in Minnesota. 

Hey Dwayne Allen, nice 56 snaps, 2 catches and 10 yards with no Gronk. What the hell, fuck you too.